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It was our fourth date, and we'd already done some things in dark corners of various Brooklyn bars that get kids kicked out of BYU, but he hadn't, as Jason Segel might say, put his p in my v yet. There was some fumbling, as there always is at first, especially after a couple of nerve-zapping beers. In short: Everything was coming along nicely, pun intended. " Tidy slappers, I learned, like "big hard cocks." Robbie's precoital BBC accent had morphed into a buttery Cockney.But we'd managed to get the condom on, the penis in, and a nice back-and-forth rhythm going. It was like I'd wandered onto the set of an X-rated movie called Unfortunately he was not the first nondermatologist to offer a fourth-date facial. Splashing around in my pool of suitors are a bunch of dudes who have been yanking their flotation noodles to online porn since the dawn of dial-up.You finish with your hand, after all, like you've done with a million clips.I'm supposed to play the pilated girl acting like your penis is about to produce a slice of pizza and I haven't eaten for a week.And after seeing that, why ever settle for a boring ol' puppy frolicking in a field again?Or simply orgasming inside someone, for that matter, which was the goal of every dude for zillions of years.So he asked if he could pull out instead and come on her chest. He just really thought she'd "like it." When the final emphatic "NO" was issued, he wondered if he could, considering, maybe just put it between her breasts.I met one guy on JDate—the Jewish matchmaking site that floods your in-box with subject lines like "Here's one to bring home to Bubbe!

It's more like masturbation with a fellow 3-D person.

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It's more like a bed in which a man tries to reenact his favorite You Porn clip on the first date.

Well, I'm not the only one inadvertently attracting Seymore Butts acolytes; almost every female friend of mine has had an experience with pornified sex super-early in a relationship.

A newly single friend recently started seeing a lawyer she'd met online: He hated wearing condoms, which was weird, because usually men just can't stop talking about how great prophylactics feel. Another friend hooked up with someone who tried to coax her into anal sex three times in one night.

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That right there is a sign how much porn has reconfigured even the basics of sex.

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